Zero Dark Torment: A Movie Review

This needs to be addressed. Someone needs to explain to me why people around the world find Zero Dark Thirty to be a good film. You know what’s worse than a bad movie? A bad movie that is made really really well and dangles this hope of being more as you watch it. This movie is UNBELIEVABLY BORING! There is so much wrong with this movie and I just cannot overlook it.

For those of you who don’t know what this movie is about. It is basically the man hunt the CIA went through for Osama Bin Laden (who they refer to in the movie as “UBL” when generally EVERYONE spells his name with an “O”! COME ON!) from September 11th, 2001 to May 2nd, 2011. The movie centers around one particular agent, who I think was ironically named, Maya (Jessica Chastain) who is kind of a “Grade A B***h” to her superiors because she’s so invested in finding Bin Laden. We all know how the entire man hunt ends, so no spoilers.

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Unlike Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker, I didn’t sympathise with Jessica Chastain at all. I kept wondering “Why is no one firing her or taking her off the case?” because she acts like  a spoilt child whose parents aren’t letting her buy a toy. If people say no to her or ignore her she swears and balls her hands into fists. In fact, even when her boss (Mark Strong) is advocating her theory to higher officials she continues her tantrum. The funny thing is, initially she’s very mellow and suddenly she’s a psycho and remains like that for a good part of the movie.

Then there’s the fact that you don’t sympathise with anyone else in the cast. Nobody is relatable or they’re barely on screen long enough to be relatable. That’s ironic because this movie is TWO AND A HALF HOURS long.

Next, there was something inherently wrong with the flow of this movie. There were these random placards every now and then, which were remotely connected with the scene that followed. It’s okay if all this eventually culminates and has some meaning, but it didn’t!

I am going to stop here because just thinking about the movie is exhausting me. When I heard that Bigalow was snubbed for Best Director this year, I was mad but after watching this movie, honestly, Zero Dark Thirty is not a patch on The Hurt Locker and it shouldn’t have been nominated in any other category besides Best Actress because Jessica Chastain is a very convincing “Grade A B***h”.

Rating: 1/5

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